OK, which line? 10 items or less? It should actually say fewer. It says fewer at Whole Foods. Whole Foods – ripoff. It’s a beautiful world, though.
How many items do I have? More than 10, but not that many more. Look at that lady, she’s got at least 20, but no one will say anything because she’s handicapped. I wonder if they have to have a special wide aisle for big wheelchairs and stuff?That reminds me of that argument I got in with the guy who insisted that handicapped bathroom stalls could ONLY be used by handicapped people. Idiot.
Hmmm, maybe number 5, that woman’s cart is only half full, but the one in front of her is digging through that big billfold thing. Looks like a couponer — she’ll probably make everybody wait while someone gets the item that was actually on sale after she argues about it for five minutes.
That next lady’s kid won’t stop staring at me…it’s so unnerving when a three year old does that. It’s like they know. And the guy behind her is looking around like the person who has the money is somewhere else.
Number 6 Doesn’t look that bad. Hmmm, so that’s who buys that crap. The next couple looks OK, and the chick behind them has a full cart, but she’s all fit and spandexed, which probably means she’s one of these Type A’s who gets things done. Go for it.
OK, spot claimed and only three carts to go. So, let’s see what’s in the Weekly World News. Only good part of long lines, bad magazines.
Uh, oh, the cashier is looking around. Here comes a manager for a debate about the proper usage of a LINK card. Gaaaah. And you in Aisle 7, stop playing Candy Crush, your baby is gumming on a box of Tic Tacs. Hey genius, that’s not going to do any good if you don’t pull up that cart so he can’t reach the candy rack again. Bet he does the same thing at home with lead paint.
And of course, there’s that mom from school waving at me. Will she be able to tell I slept in this Tshirt? Better zip up the fleece. I swear to God, if she comes over here and starts telling me about her gifted child’s latest triumph…time for the pretend cell call and wish-I-could-talk return wave.
Ah, good, she’s in line too, and I’m next. OK, Spandex, do your thing and show ’em how the coffee generation rolls. What? Tangleos aren’t on the laminate board? Don’t pick up the phone, don’t pick up the….damn.
Hmmm, she also has grapefruit, and she got a prescription filled. I wonder if it’s cholesterol medicine, because if you eat a lot of grapefruit you can get a bad reaction to the meds. But her cart looks like she eats pretty healthy and doesn’t need meds. If I don’t say anything and she dies is it my fault? Oooh, Kit Kats.
Hm, look at all these magazines. Who’s that on the cover? I hardly know any of the people on any of these covers. They all look like the same person. I’m old.
Ah, finally. On the belt you go, food. Why does that always remind me of Batman tied up and heading toward a buzzsaw? Man, remember that Oprah show where she went to random people’s houses and looked in their refrigerators? Harsh. I wonder how I’d do? Let’s see, asparagus, hummus, black tea, whole wheat bread, Simply OJ, clementines, chicken, microwave brown rice. Not bad. Oreos, Cheezits, Gatorade, pasta, corn chowder, Twizzlers, smoked almonds, chicken wings, frozen pizza. Disgraceful. Putting back Kit Kats. No, keeping Kit Kats.
Oh, plastic please. No I don’t want today’s special value — who eats maple-flavored potato chips anyways? No I don’t want that in a bag. No, I don’t collect those game pieces. No, I don’t need help to the car. Say thank you to the bagger.
Where’s the car? Oh, yeah. I like the way I always return the cart to the cart corral. I’m a good person. Careful-you almost banged your door into that car. Damn, I forgot to buy Tide. It’s hot in here. Better eat that Kit Kat now before it melts.
Flyover Chronicles 